We Are All Wild Beasts

Marilyn Monroe told us long ago that diamonds are a girl’s best friend, and we all know a dog is a man’s best friend, so it’s easy to see which sex has the most sense. Nowhere is this more obvious than when it comes to sexual attraction. Men are the only mammals that have all kinds of fixations, a thing unique in nature!
Some men seem obsessed with breasts, fuelling this is the daily exposure of such things in the tackier newspapers. Yet women don’t find our moobs remotely as exciting, whether they’re on a body builder and can twitch and flex or if they’re above a fine wobbly beer belly. No sexy bra for a man, no peepholes cut out for easy access.
Nature on the other hand does not subscribe to any such thing, it’s just not in the equation. Bull’s don’t walk through a herd until they spot a particularly nice set of udders before getting acquainted. No the bull fancies them all, and tries to impregnate them all. The same way that Chava’s do! This is nature’s way of insuring that ugly creatures breed too.
Bull’s don’t need the cow lying on a hay bale covered in rose petals, with their hoofs fastened by Anne Summers pink handcuffs. Nor do they feel the need to read ‘The Farmer’s Weekly’ to ogle that frisky Fresian in the Centrefold.
Then we have more irrationality from us males……the leg man! Those who love a shapely calf, a flash of trim thigh and legs that stretch almost up to a woman’s armpits. How these men survived our Nana’s time, when women only shaved the bit of leg below the skirt or dress, wearing the rest of her body hair like a Scottish bailiff wears plus-fours. Would a bull ever stop romancing a cow because it hadn’t shaved? No that cow’s going to get it, even if she’s wearing a bum beard. No wild creature cares about legs. An ostrich would never say ‘No I don’t fancy her there’s a hint of cellulite’.
Men only seem to show interest if the body resembles the ones they salivated over in men’s magazine when they were fifteen and spotty.
Real women’s bodies are much, much better. Firstly they don’t have staples.
Perhaps it’s a shame other creatures see procreating as just a job that needs doing. Imagine if they had our kinks?
How much of a buzz would a centipede get watching a female putting stockings on! The garter belt would need to be a feat of complex engineering unless he wore 50 of them. Elasticated stay-ups may be a better option.
Other creatures also don’t care about their partners hair, the colour, style, length, it just is not of interest. In fact all hairy Yorkshire Terriers care about is that the dog they’re romancing is facing the right way, otherwise one quick nip and the game is over!
Men always have been this dumb, but in the past thirty years, male strippers, adult ladies magazines have started loading up with hunky naked and semi-naked men. This wonderful female sex, polluting itself just because men do it. This means in years to come all men will be under much greater scrutiny. We will have to give our partners far more consideration, and never forget women have needs too. Many men think that like in nature women just put up with it, because no other mammal, apart from the dolphin, seems to enjoy the physicality of sex. Maybe dolphins don’t, but they’re always smiling, maybe it’s just putting on a brave face.
Maybe we all just expect too much of our own species. We’ve been bigging ourselves up for years, and underneath it all we are just animals too!
The biggest criticism women have is that men rush their lovemaking. Ladies need to warm up slowly, but men are just too selfish to understand. We are the first ones to tell a woman not to over-rev a cold engine, then expect our women to go from zero to 120 in twenty seconds.
Maybe that’s why this week’s magazine survey told us that women prefer shopping than going to bed with a man.
Then if they’re not completely satisfied they can always take it back and swap it from something they really like!
ALAN R

TOP TEN HITS FOR CHURCH GOERS
1. I’m Gonna Get Me A Nun………Cat Stevens
2. Give Priests A Chance…………John Lennon
3. You Sin Again……………………Hot Chocolate
4. Halo……………………………….Beyonce
5. We Didn’t Start The Choir……Billy Joel
6. Like A Verger…………………..Madonna
7. I Know Hymn So Well…………Elaine Paige
8. Pray Lady Pray…………………Bob Dylan
9. Lipstick On Dog Collar……….Connie Francis
10. Pray Pray Pray…………..Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson